Said the Actress to the Bishop
by Creature of Habit
Summary: Why is it that when we cannot see two people talking we always assume the perverted? Rated M to be super-safe.


I was originally going to make this a humorous little Ryou and Bakura piece. However, I eventually decided it would be a _lot _funnier if I centered it around Marik and Bakura – for reasons which will soon become _bleedingly_ obvious to you. And, yes, Marik is the yami. I call the hikari Malik.

I rated this **Mature **just to be on the super-safe side. There is not much cursing. Not too worried about that. However, the _content_, until you know what is being spoken about... I am concerned if I rate it any lower the site might delete my account. I think it probably better qualifies for a **T **rating, but... just not willing to chance it.

The title for this story comes from the exclamation, _said the actress to the bishop_, which is said for humor purposes after an inadvertent use of a double entendre. I thought it most befitting for this piece. I believe it is also British in origin. Even more befitting!

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Except the kinkified device Bakura is using. If I _did _own anything written about in here, it would be Bakura, and more than that device would be kinkified. Oh, wait. Bakura is just _naturally _kinkified. Nevermind. **

**Said the Actress to the Bishop  
**By: Creature of Habit

Marik quirked a brow, gazing down the long hall. At the end of that hall was a dark walnut door, framed in white-washed trim, which had been carefully painted by the more persnickety of the two occupants of the home just last month. Mind you, it was not some secret interior decorating fetish that had the lavender-eyed man studying this picture like one would gape a Picasso painting.

"Marik!" The slight British accent hissed.

It was _that_.

Casting a wary, uncomfortable glance about his person, the spiky-haired blonde quietly raised from the couch. He crept, socked feet silent over the elaborate, ivory runner, between the narrow, pale blue walls, until he reached his destination. Eyes fixated toward the _other _end of the hall, just in case, he lifted a bronze knuckle to rap the hard wood.

Or, he _would _have. Before he could get that far, however, the door parted, a pale hand darted out to grab the front of his shirt, and Marik was _very _unceremoniously yanked into the bathroom. Sneaking up on a thief was like trying to catch a weasel asleep. It could not be done.

Muffled grunting and mild sounds of some sort of scuffle. This was what Ryou heard as he entered his living room this afternoon. Not _entirely _strange, considering he _did_ live with Bakura. However... the crunch of the chip bag hitting the carpet made him jump. The caramel-skinned hikari behind him appeared equally intrigued. Malik and Marik being present _did_ make the situation a bit more complex.

"Where is Marik?" Perhaps _suspicious _would have been a better descriptor.

Malik, lavender eyes narrowing in contempt, opened his mouth, presumably in an attempt to rouse his psychotic yami. Whatever he was about to scream died on his tongue, innocent thoughts that Marik and Bakura were just flooding the tub once again gone, as the mumbled conversation behind the bathroom door became startlingly audible.

"Not like _that_!"

"Let go of my head, Marik!"

"But, you're not _positioned _right!"

"I'm _positioned _just fine!"

"Yes, if you want to get it all over your _face_, you are!"

"Marik, if I have to tell you one more time to get your fingers out of my hair, I'm going to _bite the damn thing off_!"

"Bakura, I _know _what I'm talking about... Malik and I do this _all the time... _"

Malik slapped a hand over his mouth, flushing a dark shade of red. Oh, my Ra. No he did _not_.

"And I've watched _Ryou _do it a thousand times. _So_?"

Ryou elected to let his hair hide his blush while he politely stared at the carpet. Wow. _Awkward_.

"Well, if you've watched Ryou do it so much, how the _hell _can you not know what you're _doing_?"

"Because actually _doing _it is a little bit different than _watching _it be done, idiot!"

Something clattering, followed by a loud thud.

"What happened to the cushioned toilet lid?"

"I broke it."

"Coming from you, that, _strangely_, makes sense."

"Just _shut up_, sit still, and let me do this!"

"Wait... you're not..." A gasp.

A low growl.

"There, that's better." A sigh.

"..."

"No, tilt your head more...good, yeah, there you go." A satisfied sigh. "Lower... _perfect_."

Another growl.

"Hold on, wait..." The voice uneven, the pitch rising. "Bakura, you're gonna..." A hard gasp.

"Gah!..." A thump, a bit of choking, and a lot of spitting. "_Shit_, Marik! What the fuck did I tell you about _grabbing my head_!" More spitting and gagging.

"Well, if you had been doing it right, I wouldn't have _needed _to!"

"Well, if you would have kept your damn hands off my head I would have been able to _do it right_!" Intermittent spitting. "Ra-damn it!" Coughing, more spitting. "Ack! Salty!"

"Oh, come on, it' doesn't taste _that _bad."

"Fine, then _you _drink it!"

"Hey! Don't spit that at me!"

"It doesn't taste that bad, remember?"

"Bakura, you spit at me one more time, and I swear to _Ra_, I'll shove the _whole thing _down your throat!"

As the bathroom door was swung open, the scene was _hardly _what Ryou and Malik had expected to find. Marik was on his hands and knees, burgundy towel in one hand, wiping water from the floor tiles. Bakura was standing at the marble sink, upon which rested a small white tub of salt and a dark brown vial of herbal wash, the tomb robber holding in his right hand a small, white ceramic vessel, that looked not unlike a tiny genie lamp.

Ryou's Neti Pot.

Bakura had just been trying to cleanse his sinuses.

"Oh, thank _Ra_." Malik sighed, laughing, hand to his forehead as his slid down the door frame to the floor.

"What?" Marik smirked, cleaning up the last of the water Bakura had spilled from the pale green tiles. "Thought we were doing something _naughty _in here, did you? You _pervert_." The yami snickered, snapping the hand towel at his hikari.

"Oh, shut up!" Malik grinned, snatching the towel from Marik and snapping it back at him. He was too relieved to be angry right now. And, yes, he knew _precisely _what was going to happen to him after he slapped Marik with that towel.

A thump and a yelp echoed through the house as Marik tackled his giggling hikari in the living room.

"Bakura..." The hurt in the dark chocolate eyes was evident, as Ryou walked to stand next to his yami. "If you wanted to know how to use this, why didn't you just come and ask _me_?" Yes. Why had he gone to Marik instead of him?

Bakura frowned, staring out the opposite corner of his eye.

Oh. _Now _he understood.

Ryou sighed, wrapping his arms around Bakura's waist, pressing his forehead to that of the other so he could look at him. "Kura, not knowing how to do something does _not _make you incompetent in my eyes. Good grief, it would be a lie for you to tell me you knew _everything _about _everything_."

Bakura narrowed his eyes. "But, I _am _a liar."

"Not with _me _you're not." Ryou smiled.

Bakura scowled. "Oh, shut up." His features noticeably softened as he leaned in to drop a soft kiss on his hikari's lips. "Come on." He growled, grabbing one of the pale hands and leading them toward the open bathroom door. "Let's go round up those two psycho's before they destroy our house."

"Right." Ryou grinned. "That's _your _job."

**FIN**

Why is it that when we cannot _see _people talking we always assume the perverted? Strange race humans are.

I introduce to you... the _kinky_ Neti Pot! Kidding. Just Neti Pot. Why? Because it is what inspired this story. What in the name of Sam Hill is a Neti Pot? An old, yet simple, device used to cleanse the sinuses. Looks sort of like a tiny genie lamp. You mix together salt and warm water, pour it into the pot, and then proceed to pour _this _through your nostrils. Not as gruesome as it sounds.

Yes. I know. I have a _very _weird imagination.

The ending to this turned out pretty cute, I think. Short, but very sweet. I had no idea what I wanted to do with it... so I just handed it over to Ryou and let him work his magic. And, once more, Marik has my favorite line. "Thought we were doing something naughty in here, did you? You pervert." Heh. I can so easily see him saying something like that to Malik. Overall... I think this came together rather well.

I would appreciate your reviews!


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